TO COUNT or NOT TO COUNT

** I used to have this 'unpublished blog' (which I called My Confession Room) where i pour out some of the things that i have in mind. And this write-up which I wrote on 7th October, 2009 is one of those. **

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Inasmuch as I would like to avoid counting the days nearing Godwin’s departure, I just couldn’t help it. There are a lot things that keep me tied to that thought every single day and if I’d give you all of them, I’ll just be counting again… sigh.

And so yes, this entry is all about counting…

As of September 29th of this year, it’s officially my third year in Convergys. I lasted for three straight years with the company without even counting. I can still remember how many times I’ve planned leaving and when it’s about to happen, something good would always happen to me in Convergys career-wise. To start off, it was August of 2007 when Godwin talked me into applying in ACS (a call center in Lipa where he was working at that time). I immediately liked the idea because of 1) it is not anymore that distant from home (Taysan) and 2) I’ll be closer to him, Godwin. So I did go as a walk-in applicant. I passed the initial interview and the assessments. I was already scheduled for a final interview when Godwin told me how badly he wanted to get out of that company. My mind at that time, of course whirled so fast, thinking, “what am I supposed to do there if he’s not there anymore?” Then he said, just wait for him and he’ll find a job in Alabang, to be near me. The idea of him and me together in a place far from our home was indeed interesting let alone exciting. So indeed, that proposal was of course, very surprising not to mention yet touching and unquestionably wonderful. And he did actually get a job here, at APAC, while I… well; we suddenly had an opening for cyber intern. And I thought to myself, “This, at last is the escape I’ve been waiting for!” –it ain’t easy to take in calls every day, so if there’s any way I could get out of it, I’d grab it. And so it happened. Instead of leaving the company by August of 2007, I got accepted as a cyber intern and so the counting of months for my internship begun.

They said that cyber internship usually only lasts for two to a max of three months. Well, hola! We started in August of 2007 and only got transferred to fulltime Cyber in February of 2008. And that is so YES – yes, we did break the record! (Seesh) So that’s what? That’s six months of waiting and counting. When I finally got to the real world of Cyber, the management, in a very wrong timing, had to make an awfully nerve-wracking, annoyingly life-changing decision. We ran out of emails to process. Yes. After just being promoted to the higher level, they’d need to throw us away like disposable cups. Argh! They started throwing 10 up to 20 old cyber peepz – they (the MANAGEMENT) threw them back to the most hated department of our account – the Mainbank (where all you’d do is to take in calls the whole shift – good luck!) which is now called BGI or billing and general inquiries. Fortunately, they threw us (the newest in cyber) to a department not so well known to us, a department I’ve never wished before to be a part of and yet the department I seriously love today – BACKOFFICE now called Account Management Team.

I was transferred to BackOffice just a month after being officially crowned as a fulltime cyber, which only means, it happens in March of 2008. They told us that the action made was just gonna be temporary. We could still go back to cyber after let’s say 4 months or depending on the email volume. Well, that never happened. For the first 3-4 months of our stay in BackOffice, I can’t help counting how many more days, weeks and months before I could get back to what I was trained up for – to be a fulltime cyber. Obviously, all the counting just remained counting as we didn’t get to return to the email department where we all thought we belong to.

Good thing though, I got familiarized with the policies and procedures of BackOffice until I learned to love it and eventually forgot all the counting…

Until one day… after Godwin left APAC to accept a brighter future in MACQUARIE which happened in June of this year (if I’m not mistaken), I suddenly felt the need to join the flow of his victory. I felt the need to find a job in Makati immediately. It was actually already in my plan before but wishfully after I have gotten my 13^th month pay for this year and my SL conversions. However, it seems that the situation could no longer wait for me or for my plans. The worst part is, I still love what I do in Convergys even if it may not pay as competitive as other call centers (well I actually don’t know coz I’ve been in the same company for the past 3yrs...).

Again, the counting in my mind is back, ticking like a clock. It’s like a bomb that would explode if the ticking won’t stop any sooner. It’s draining me of my strength. I feel feeble and restless. With each passing day, I can’t take away the fact that Godwin would soon leave this room, which I’ve considered our little house, to get a more comfortable place to stay in and a place that’ll be much nearer to his workplace. Unfortunately, the two applications I had with two different companies in Makati and in Taguig both came home with no good results. No better job offer waiting and soon no Godwin coming home from work. He’ll soon start looking for the perfect place to move in to and by that, the counting in my head will begin again until maybe, either me or my brain get tired of it… and just stop, lifeless…

Sigh. I’m sorry for being too sentimental today. I just checked my email awhile back and noticed that no matter how many job links are there waiting to be clicked, there just ain’t one that suits me. In fact, I even got very reluctant to even click on one. Yeah, I got frustrated with SALMAT and MACQUARIE. I know it is their loss because they just missed their chance of having the most brilliant employee they could ever have, hah! But you know, let’s accept it. Sometimes, it wouldn’t matter whether you’re good or not if the timing isn’t right. I really thought I could make all of these work – Godwin moving to Makati to be nearer to his workplace and me moving with him to start a new job there. Evidently, it didn’t work that way and I guess inasmuch as I would like to avoid this reality, I just couldn’t.

It’s me here… counting again while trying to face reality no matter how bad it bites… I’ll see you again, next time, same room…

- LOVING HIM –

** I used to have this 'unpublished blog' (which I called My Confession Room) where i pour out some of the things that i have in mind. And this write-up which I wrote on 2nd October, 2009 is one of those. Btw, the "boyfriend" I mentioned here is now my husband. ^.^ **

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At exactly 2:20 pm, instead of sleeping, I am here typing. I did the laundry as usual but I wasn’t able to do all of them. Reasons for that are: number one, not enough space to hang them up, and number two not enough strength to do it. Again, I did not have breakfast, I mean a real breakfast. I just had coffee and a bite on that gardenia toasted bread. After the laundry, I swept the floor of our room, then folded the clothes and placed them inside the dresser. I tried to fix the room a little coz it is Godwin’s last day of work for the week and I want him to have a good rest in a room that though not that clean, at least not that messy and filthy.

After doing all those stuff, I watched a few episodes of sex and the city series season 5. Yep, I’ve been held hostage by the said series due to its unpredictable episodes, distinctive characters and awesome wardrobe, haha... I am fond of one of the lead characters there, Carrie Bradshaw, the writer. She’s classy, perky, intelligent, gorgeous and seriously sexy in my opinion. And then going back, after the series marathon, I am back in this room to make another worth-hearing confession. I am dead serious in love with Godwin Abe De Roxas.

You see, I should have been very tired already after the laundry but I still got the strength to fix our room a little just to make it at least a-trying-hard cozy place for him to come home to. Oh don’t get me wrong, this is not a complaint. I am actually amused and interestingly delighted. Really, taking care of him is one of the few things that could really make me happy. He is my addiction. He is the habit that I will never get tired of doing. He is my smile, my sweetest and most seductive smile ever. And I just love thinking of him every second of my day. There isn’t a day that I didn’t think of him. I just continue on loving him more and more with each passing day. He doesn’t need to do anything for me to stay in love with him. He just needs to continue existing. Sometimes, I get to thinking that his existence alone is already enough to make me happy. Of course there are times that I’m having my tantrums and all the crazy childish stuff but believe me he really has tamed all the wilds in me. You know what my dilemma is, now? I am afraid that I am actually experiencing one of those “too-good-to-be-true” situations. I have said this before but I’m gonna say it again, he’s not perfect, but somehow, his imperfections are what making everything about this wonderful relationship I have with him PERFECT. The idea I’m trying to picture out for you may be getting blurrier but you know what? I don’t really care if people can’t really get me or this passionate feeling I have for him. All I care about is his happiness… his safety… his health… his welfare. And those are simply what keep me alive, happy and whole. I care for him so much. I love him so much.

It makes me wonder what causes a failed relationship. One of my officemates and her on-and-off boyfriend, for example; they love each other, in fact, they’re having a baby now, but why can’t they stay happy together? One of the reasons she said is the big D - their Differences. But all couples have differences! Tell me who don’t. Godwin and I have differences and yet we’re getting along just fine – well yeah, we also fight over simple things from time to time which I actually find healthy (I don’t know if he thinks it the same way, though). And there are those parents who fight because of third parties... why can’t they be happy with just the two of them and their children? Why does one need a third party? Is it even a need? It seems more like plain luxury – a very nonsense and overly useless splurge.

Sigh. I just hope every couple here on earth could stay happy with just the two of them in the relationship. On the bright side again, I found this next thingy on one of the blogs I follow; I just thought it’ll be nice to share it with you:

Does your name begin with: G? (Say, Godwin)

You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active-never tiring out. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to people.

Does your name begin with: R? (Say, Rebecca)

You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal-the smarter the better (oh that is so Godwin). You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body (but I love Godwin’s body very much – it always turns me on). However, physical attractiveness is not very important to you. You have to be proved to be worthy for a partner. You have a need to prove yourself the best. You want feedback on your performance. You are open, stimulating & romantic (well).

** yep, it’s not the whole thing but of course I only extracted the part that suits me and him; and added my side comments… =) **

Giggles… I find that piece of info cute and very entertaining. Hahaha…

So there you have it for today. This is still me saying I love loving Godwin every single day of my life for the rest of my life. Now that’s totally and absurdly redundant! Hahaha… but really, I can’t imagine myself ever loving somebody else the way I have loved and still love him. And I’m telling you, it’s not about what he has done for me (though he really has done so many things for me that I wouldn’t be able to count them anymore). In fact he doesn’t need to do anything to deserve my love, respect and loyalty. He just needs to be himself and I am fully satisfied, contented and magnificently happy. He’s the flavor of ice cream that I will never say NO to even if my teeth ache and I already have tonsillitis. He’s the slice of cake that will make me buy the whole thing without even thinking twice (“sinagot ko nga sha ng di ko pa sha nakikita eh… hahaha…) and he’s the air I would not hesitate to breathe even if it’s polluted. Yep, this is me, the girl who is still madly, truly, deeply and insanely in love with her boyfriend, Godwin. So stick around and see you again next time… same room. =)

In Your Arms

**I composed this song for my Bestfriend, Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.**


CHORUS:
Ohh.. I know I'll be safe in your arms forever
'coz You will leave me never
You will be there specially when things seem hard to bear
Ohh.. I'll always remember
Not now not ever
Will you leave me alone here
'coz I know how much You care
You see me from up there that's why this is my prayer
I want to stay

In Your arms forever... ooh... yeah..

There may be times in our journey that we're walking all alone

All of a sudden, we have lost our way back home

Times like this, I just feel like crying

'coz being all alone is really frightening

I need someone who'll never get tired of caring

And I know there is no one like Him

His name is JESUS and He knows where I should be going

That's why my Lord, for you this song I'm singing


NOTE: this was originally posted on my other blog (The Sketcher's Sketches) on 3/23/2008, but i find it more fitting here, hence, the transfer.

change the changes!

NOTE: this was originally posted on my other blog (The Sketcher's Sketches) on 3/18/2008, but i find it more fitting here, hence, the transfer.

they say, the only constant thing on earth is "change". either you changed for the good or you changed for the bad, you still changed. and the fact that you already changed cannot be changed anymore. (uh...?)

the sudden update here in our office is really a shock to all of us. and as of this writing, i'm still very much surprised or rather upset. you see, i just got recently promoted to this department i've been working so hard to get for 6 months and just after a couple of months of enjoying my stay here, i'll be transferred to a new area next week. i really wanted to stay here for at least a year because i really like what we do here and then suddenly, there's this update that will again change my life. (sigh)

i just realized there's a lot about "change" that i must have overlooked and forgotten to appreciate. accept it or not, everyday, changes happen. sometimes when "changes" are just too good, we tend to overlook them. we even don't appreciate them at all. but when "changes" are too bad that they affect our lives to the extent that we no longer want to keep on going, it then becomes a big deal. we tend to be so negative about it. we tend to be mad, to be less productive. why? because we love what we used to see, hear, smell, feel, what we used to receive - what we used to do. but if we would just realize the importance of change and not the negative effects it could bring to our lives, i think we'll be much happier and more productive.

change -- may it be good or bad should be considered as "blessings". as the saying goes, "life is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you can get". even if you got the smallest piece of chocolate or the most awful in taste, if you'll come to think of it, what you got is still chocolate. and who doesn't like chocolates? we all love chocolates because it's delicious! so, change is just like a box of chocolates too. to be inspired, just think that you'll still get a chocolate nomatter what size (or taste).

change is a blessing in disguise, and we should thank GOD for all our blessings. in fact, the Bible says, "in everything, give thanks". everything is every thing - whether it's good or bad. we should always be thankful that we still wake up each morning, that we're still breathing, that we still have a chance to change for the better and make a difference in this world, that we still have the blessing of life and love.

good thing that change never changes.

I'M SORRY...

**I composed this song when my ex-boyfriend (now my husband) and i had a little fight...**

i was there, sitting all alone
thinking of how to go home
i was there, sitting all alone
holding my phone, oh my phone

i tried to key in the words that would fit
my helpless case
but the moment i was about to send it
i suddenly hold back

CHORUS:
Coz suddenly...
i remembered we had a fight before i left
Suddenly...
i was hesitant to seek your help
but i know this isn't the right time
for this nonsense pride of mine
so please listen to me now my baby
i'm now ready to say...
i'm sorry... hey-yeahh...
im sorry... my baby.

NOTE: this was originally posted on my other blog (The Sketcher's Sketches) on 3/18/2008, but i find it more fitting here, hence, the transfer.

Bye2 Comfort Zone...

NOTE: this was originally posted on my other blog (The Sketcher's Sketches), but i find it more fitting here, hence, the transfer.


Originally Posted On: Tuesday, March 18, 2008

So many people do wonder why things just happen right in front of their faces and there's just no way for them to change it, no matter how powerful they are, no matter what positions in a society they have. It is indeed too surprising sometimes that some things could really be a little out of hand. And scary is the fact that people, in the end may just tend to go back to their camouflage just to conceal their true faces because they are just too afraid to go out in the open. Why? It's because many of us are actually having a tough time on deciding whether to be brave and face the new world or to be contented and stay in our comfort zone. Frightened? Worried? (huh! just being lazy i guess...).

Well, there's nothing wrong about staying in our comfort zone as long as we know up to what extent it should take over our lives. The wrong thing is when we allow ourselves to be manipulated by the conveniences and pleasures it offers. Reality bites but it's true! And if we're going to face this reality, we will discover that what makes things more difficult is the mere fact that people choose not to make things easier. How? For most people, the easier thing to do is to stay where they are right now and never let things bother them. In short, they choose not to move at all. What are we so afraid of? Or should i ask who are we so afraid of?
Sometimes, we do not know that we are getting too scared of trying to see if there's a good thing outside of our cocoon. We get too nervous of even trying to set foot to the road which will lead us to our real destination. Hey! No one is created to stay forever in his suit! Wake up my brothers and sisters! Aren't we bored yet of our lives doing the same old things every day? Aren't we even bothered that more and more each day, our life is becoming a bonsai? Hello! When are we going to shake our heads and wake up to this bitter fact?

A book once stated that, "if you are in a situation or lifestyle where you are perfectly capable of handling everything, you have stopped in your understanding of God. God's desire is to take you from where you are to where He wants you to be." Never did He want us to stay where we are right now for He wants us to grow to maturity. He wants us to leave our comfort zone not to give us the feeling of restlessness but rather to let us experience a life that is completely maneuvered by Him. Yes! We have plans for ourselves but the Lord's plans in our lives are guaranteed the best. It is a done deal already (Jeremiah 29:11).
They say we can't do two things at a time, that's why every single second of our lives is really a matter of decision making. We have to decide on whether to go or not to go, to do or not to do. We can't do what we want and do the Lord's will both at the same time. If we choose this, we have to give up the other one. And that's reality. But the pitiable thing is, though we might not actually notice and admit it, is the fact that we are spending almost two thirds of our lives on just thinking of which to choose rather than applying what we chose. Oh c'mon! Let us not waste our time anymore. It's time to grow up and start saying goodbye to our comfort zones, for in order to experience God to the degree He wants us to, there will be adjustments He'll ask of us.

Now, the question is, "are we prepared to leave our comfort zones in exchange to what the Lord wants to happen in our lives?" Let us decide now...

Maybe. Just Maybe...

NOTE: This was originally posted on my multiply blog on 10-26-2008 | Sunday |10:19 am


 There was this girl who has a heartrending past who chose to conceal all emotions brought by that experience in her happy-go-lucky attitude and boyish acts. She did not have a blissful, fascinating, let alone a normal childhood life. She cannot even say that what she felt when she’s young were the ordinary feelings of a kid. She didn’t even know what “normal” really means. She grew up always thinking if there would ever be a chance for her to be genuinely happy after all that happened. She’s always tried her best to get her parents’ attention. Maybe because she’s planning to tell them what happened or maybe she’s just too lonely. She thought that if only she could share to someone how lonely she was during that time, how she felt no one would be there for her; maybe she could’ve been consoled. But even if she tried to share to anyone what happened, still she’d be alone because she thought no one would ever believe her, because people would just say she’s totally insane and was just creating stories to draw attention to herself just like what always happened way back her elementary days. She finally decided that no one would really comprehend the pain which she tried to endure all by herself at her very young age. That is the reason why she grew up very secretive but always wishing for that day where there would be someone who’d sit by her side just to listen and would be willing to offer his or her shoulder to cry on.

Her elementary days can be described as the clouded, ugly, painful and truly unremarkable part of her life. But still, what she is right now is because of what she was before. She could’ve been different today if her past was not the one written for her but that is the story of her life whether she likes it or not.

Years passed. The girl grew up but more tragic experiences happened before she even reached her adolescent stage. That if she did not find a wonderful bestfriend at that time, she could’ve been dead now. That bestfriend she found is so wonderful that she felt more than consoled. That bestfriend of hers did not only listen and stay by her side but also made her cheerful again. He died so that she could be alive. Her bestfriend is no other than Jesus Christ. It was August of 1995 when she first accepted Jesus in her heart to be her Lord, Savior and Bestfriend. If it didn’t happen, she could’ve been dead today.

But life is just so full of surprises and no one knows except Him what’s gonna happen next. The girl, though already has a bestfriend still had her fears. She still carried in her heart and mind that exaggerated caution towards other people – towards men, thus explains the boyish acts. She’s just trying to take care and protect herself. She just didn’t want history to repeat itself. Her whole high school life, she only entertained the thought that she could fall for someone who in return would love her back, but did not entertain the reality. What reality? That there would really be guys in school that would actually court her --- that would eventually make her life more colorful. Because she didn’t entertain the reality but only enjoyed the thought of being in love, she didn’t give in to any of the guys who courted her way back in high school. She’s still too afraid to let go of herself. She did not completely trust guys way back then. She was a consistent honor student in high school. She thought that it would be her way of redeeming herself from the stained picture of her past. She finished high school with flying colors.

Then came college days... she became tired of holding back herself to the true meaning of falling in love. But she still couldn’t find enough reasons to trust men. Maybe the only “guy” characters that she trusted authentically were her father and her bestfriend, Jesus. At the start of her college days, one of her high schoolmates’ became close to her. So close that he even proposed to be the girl’s guy bestfriend. Let’s name him Shawn. The girl, though, has secret feelings for Shawn, accepted the proposal. They became bestfriends at the start of college days. They were happy. There’s always something interesting and exciting every time they would meet. Their meeting became more frequent until it became every day. Indeed, they were enjoying each other’s company every single day. But the story didn’t end there. The girl has a girl best friend during her childhood days. Let’s name her Annie. She’s also one of the girl’s high schoolmates’. When Annie returned to town and discovered the closeness of the guy and the girl, she announced her jealousy. The unvoiced feud between the two girls started. The girl didn’t know what to do. She has a suitor at that time-- a suitor that has the potential (only has the potential) to make her fall in love. Bewildered at that time, she took the proposal of that suitor without really thinking of whatever consequences it would bring, and thus he was proclaimed as the first official boyfriend of our girl. Shawn was in shock after hearing this. But since Shawn knew what feelings Annie has for him, he courted Annie and in no time had her accepted his proposal to be her boyfriend. The fire just started.

The girl and her boyfriend were only together for 3 days after they’ve been officially proclaimed as lovers. The guy needed to go back to his province, which marked the start of their long-distance relationship. At first, there were exchange of letters which didn’t last long as the guy said, he’s very busy. During this time, Shawn was always there. He’s still hanging out with the girl all his free time and thus didn’t have time for his girlfriend (Annie). It made the girl's story more colorful yet very confusing and for Annie very irritating and frustrating. In the long run, the girl and Shawn admitted their feelings for each other. This confession was very wrong timing because they’re already both tied up to a commitment. In the hopes of making things right, the girl bade Shawn goodbye. She pushed him away from her and towards his girlfriend, Annie. What Shawn didn’t know at that time was that the girl broke up with her long-distance boyfriend after pushing him away. The girl decided to be just by herself again. She chose to deal with her heartaches alone because she suddenly felt that she really couldn’t be happy for long. She went back to her source of joy, Jesus.

Then she met a girl who acts almost like her. She was intrigued. She felt like she’s facing a mirror every time she gets the chance to be with this girl. Let’s name her Angel because she’s been an angel to the girl. Her world was all lit up again. She felt a sudden burst of indescribable and unexplainable happiness. Every single time that they’re together is like heaven. They can talk about anything under the sun. They even understand the meaning of each other’s sigh. Everything is just so remarkably incomparable to anything she’s experienced with other people. She loves Angel so much and she felt that Angel feels the same. If only time could stand still so that she would never be lonely again.

After a year, Shawn came back and opened up his heart to the girl again. He just broke up with Annie. The girl still loves him. He’s her first love. She thought, “why not give it a try?” And so they did give it a try and everything worked fine at the start. As usual, it didn’t last for long. The girl found out what happened to Shawn and Annie which is why Annie was so depressed. Having a past like hers, the girl could really understand and feel how difficult what Annie was going through at that time, even though, it’s still nothing compared to what the girl went through when she’s young. She gave way to Annie. She broke up with Shawn and pushed him away… again. She pushed him back to Annie whom she thought, needs him more. Shawn didn’t want to go. He kept coming back to the girl – trying to court her over and over again. At that time, the girl has a suitor from manila. Let’s name him Larry. She again didn’t know what to do at that time. All she knew was that she didn’t want Annie to be hurt so bad after what happened to her and Shawn. She accepted Larry’s proposal of love --- another long distance relationship. Upon knowing what happened, Shawn gave up on the girl and tracked the path back to Annie.

The girl learned to really love Larry but everything faded even before they reached their first anniversary. Even though they were able to celebrate it, still the love she thought she’s already feeling has faded already and there’s nothing she could do to restore it. After their first anniversary, she broke up with Larry. She couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t continue fooling herself. There’s always something wrong. When she tried to reflect on everything that has happened already, she realized that her being so secretive of what she really feels could be the real problem why she can’t stay happy.

When she’s with Shawn, she could act very normal but she just realized that because of what happened to her in the past, her definition of normal has changed already. She’s already created a second-standard-definition of the word NORMAL. All the years of their friendship, she’s never discussed with him what happened to her in the past, nor what was she like when she’s a kid. All they had together was the fun of the present time. Shawn has this high regard of her and maybe that’s the reason why she never felt comfortable of telling him even her weaknesses. And maybe that’s the problem with her all along. She’s built this strong and unyielding image of her that is why she could not even cry in front of other people or even of those she considered her friends. That’s why when she has problems to deal with; she’s just by herself…

She tried to live her life again after her breakup with Larry. One thing she’s decided: she would never consider a man she loves, as her “life” so that if that man would someday leaves her, she would still be alive. That’s what happened. She loved Shawn so much, but every time he would leave her, she’d just cry alone in the bathroom or inside her room and will stand strong again after that.

Several months after her breakup with Larry; Shawn came around again seeking for a bestfriend’s advice. Since they were once bestfriends, she couldn’t resist the temptation to help Shawn. Once more, they were reunited but as bestfriends... again. She thought that her shield was strong enough to protect him from Shawn’s charm. While they’re being friends with each other, her shield was little by little torn by Shawn’s smile and other stuff that stroke a chord of their past as lovers. She became weak until she gave in to the thought that they could give their love story another chance... another kick. Shawn made her feel that it’s possible too. He even made her wait for him for five years promising her that when things became okay between him and Annie, he’d return to her and they would be happy again. She gave up her pride and didn’t even give room for doubts. But after she’s given her loyalty to Shawn, one freaky morning of November, Shawn just texted the girl and told her that their plans never gonna happen because he’s decided to stick with Annie until the end. It ripped the girl’s heart. She cried the whole day of that November 1, 2004. But after that date, she stood up again and went back to her old self – the firm her who considers shedding tears for men as one of the most idiotic things a girl could do. She’s back on her feet again and would never stumble again. But that’s what she thought…

February of 2005, Shawn came back. He looked very torn and very helpless. The girl’s heart was touched. She’s tried so hard to ignore his plea but he’s just too difficult to resist. When she finally gave in, she told herself, “this better be the last time. This should be for real…” Shawn, this time, made her feel that this is for real, that no matter what happens, he’ll stand up for her – that he’ll fight for her whatever it takes. There’s this “something” that urged the girl to believe and trust Shawn. She even told herself that if this is really for real, she also would tell Shawn everything about herself because if he’s gonna stay with her for the rest of their lifetime then he better know the real her.

However, there’s one thing Shawn wanted that the girl couldn’t give, not because she didn’t want to but because she didn’t want to give it without making sure to whom the loyalty and commitment of the man she loves lies. She didn’t know that it will be Shawn’s turning point. She thought that Shawn was willing to wait but she was deceived. After their conversation on April 1, 2005, Shawn disappeared. She thought, they only talked to lay low but Shawn made another plans – plans that destroyed the girl’s dreams and hopes. It was April 5, 2005 when the girl received Shawn’s letter confessing his betrayal. He’s returned to Annie. He’s realized “AGAIN” that the girl was just too good for him and that he already has responsibilities with Annie that he needs to attend to. This time, the girl didn’t only cry. She started questioning God why she couldn’t stay happy – why she couldn’t have a normal life. To have a normal life is all that she wished for and yet it seemed too much to ask.  She said her prayer. She prayed that if God wants her to recover from all the pain and finally let go of Shawn, they should be wed immediately or else she wouldn’t know what crazy things she might be able to do.

Her prayer was answered. Shawn and Annie got married on the third week of April that same year. Though, the girl was left alone again, she considered the wedding of Shawn and Annie the best thing that happened so far. Why? 'because she now could finally be able to move on. She thought it would be the same as what always happened whenever Shawn leaves her alone, but she’s wrong. This time, it’s very different. It’s very difficult yet she never let it show. She never let anyone knows how she’s having such a tough time trying to endure the pain. Angel knew everything but of course, she can’t always be by her side as she already has a job in manila at that time. Coping at that time was the hardest challenge in her life.

She tried to think of everything that happened – her tragic past, her no-happy-ending relationships, and her present condition. She thought, maybe the reason she couldn’t have a smooth-sailing relationship is because, she was never true to herself whenever she’s in a relationship. She never showed her true emotions when she’s still committed to any of her past boyfriends. She couldn’t show when she’s real happy and she couldn’t show when she’s sad. She couldn’t show when she’s jealous and she couldn’t show when she’s mad. She’s never true to herself because at the back of her mind, there’s always this voice shouting at her, telling her she doesn’t have the right to show her true self to people who do not even know her past. That made her extremely lonely. She decided no one would ever comprehend and that there’s no such thing as a happy ending.

She tried to start her life again after everything that happened. But someone came very unexpectedly. He’s different but she couldn’t explain how different he is from anybody else. She became interested in him – just interested. They became textmates. It’s weird but the girl found something in him that she never found in anybody else. There’s this amazing connection between them that she just couldn’t explain and comprehend. She even cried one night when she realized that she genuinely trusts this man and that she wants him to know everything about herself but she’s just too scared that if she would disclose her past to him, it might drive him away from her. This is the first time she felt she’s really afraid of losing a guy whom she loves so dearly. She’s scared to admit that she’s fallen for this guy whom she felt could be the only one who could bear to still be with her after knowing what happened to her in the past. She was so confused. She didn’t know what to do. Besides, it was just a few months after her last breakup. How can she possibly be in love this fast? She was just too confused and didn’t know what to do.

One night, when they’re texting, she tried to disclose her past but she hesitated after realizing that she just couldn’t do it. She thought of backing out but to her surprise, he told her about this weird dream he had. What happened in his dream describes what happened in the girl’s past. She cried. She didn’t know what to do, what to say. But the guy promised to love the girl even more despite her past. That was the first time the girl finally was able to smile with genuine happiness. That’s the first time the girl couldn’t believe the excitement that filled her heart due to extreme happiness. That‘s the first time the girl felt that someone could really accept her despite her imperfections and weaknesses. That‘s the start of a wonderful relationship.

It’s been three years already. The girl learned so much. What made the relationship last this long was maybe the fact that they both chose to be true to themselves.  Maybe….

Just lately, the girl was very lonely again. It’s indescribable and unexplainable. All of a sudden, the memories of the past kept creeping in her head every time she sleeps. She’s working in manila and thus so far from her family and from him. She’s acting weird. She’s been thinking a lot lately. She’s been longing for everything that made her so happy and contented before.

She misses Angel. She misses her family. She misses him a lot.

Lately, she and he are not talking like they were doing before. But then she realized it was just her who was demanding so much and was being so insensitive. She must have forgotten that his life doesn’t only revolve around her – that there are other important things in life aside from their relationship. She found herself thinking about her childishness, which by the way is one of the things that she showed only to him.

She was never childish in her past relationships. All her past boyfriends only knew the girl that was firm and unbreakable. They didn’t get to see the girl who is real happy, can also be jealous, and most of the time childish. They never get to see the girl who cries when she’s hurt. They all never get to see those things but “he” has seen them all. There’s only one explanation. Because the girl finally found the man she’s more than willing to spend lifetime with in him.

But lately, things are not going so well for the girl. She’s being haunted by her past. She’s far from her family. She’s been trying to contact Angel almost every day but she’s nowhere to be found. She’s trying to express to him that there’s a reason why she’s extremely lonely right now but he snapped and the girl got scared. It came to her that her being weak and too dependent on her boyfriend is also not the real her. Whatever it is that’s going on right now is slowly pulling her down and it’s not a good sign. She now wonders if this is the real her or was she really the “firm and unbreakable” girl that most people know.

The girl is turning into her old self again. She feels so weak right now and yet she’s back to trying to conceal her true emotions. She feels so alone again. She’s trying to figure out what’s wrong with her. She said she needs time. Maybe that’s why she’s trying to divert her mind to other stuff. Maybe that’s the reason she’s find time to write again. Maybe. Just maybe…